A few evenings ago, I found myself in a heap on the floor of
my new apartment, trying hard not to completely fall apart as my boyfriend
knelt over me. As he held and comforted me, I tried to steady my breathing,
to stay present, and to relax. I was in the midst of a panic attack, an
experience that I am very familiar with. I have suffered from panic or anxiety
attacks for over a decade. There was a time when I would have them as
frequently as once or twice a week. Nowadays, they are infrequent. I know most
of my triggers, usually highly emotional situations like funerals or intense
fights. But they can also come about after stress has built up, like a pressure
cooker, slowly but surely coming to a head.
The past few weeks have been a slowly- building stressful situation.
I have been moving from one apartment to another as I have taken on new, highly
demanding duties at work. I have not been able to consistently do the self-care
that helps me manage stress, namely exercising consistently, sleeping
adequately, and eating appropriately. I have known for a very long time that
doing these things are good not only for my physical, but also my mental and
emotional health. Yet I let life get in the way of living the way I know I need
to. And I paid for it.
I’m not angry or ashamed about falling down. I’m human and I
have weaknesses, as all humans do. The panic attack was a wake-up call, of
sorts. It reminded me that while I am all about getting the tight body and being
stronger, faster, and more flexible, I also need to be more kind and mindful of
myself and my needs. I am very goal-oriented, and I have signed up for a number
of races and even another marathon this year (more on that in another post). I
also have booked numerous sessions with yoga and fitness studios to help me
stay on track with my health and fitness goals. But I also have to know when to
say no mas; that’s enough. I can’t let my ego and the need to be successful in fitness
or in my career take precedence over my mental and emotional well-being.
So with that said, there is no update this month on my
progress. I think that I have regressed a bit, and if I document that now, it
would only be to punish and shame myself. I don’t think I need that right now,
so I hope readers will understand. Next month there will be updates, with
numbers and photos. In the meantime, I will try and write more about this
lifelong journey that I’m on…I think things will brighten up as March commences
and we thaw out from this brutal winter. I can’t wait to see what Spring
brings, can you?
